Milk No More

At the beginning of last week, I officially stopped expressing milk. I set myself a goal of feeding (which ultimately ended up in me expressing milk and bottle feeding) for three months. Woohoo, I made it.

Why only three months? I have a few reasons. The first is that I have been feeling low in energy. Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you are coming down with the flu (you feel exhausted, your body is sore, and you feel like you will wake up with a cold), but it’s merely that your body is exhausted? That is how I felt daily. Every hour of every day I felt drained. I know this may sound bizarre, but I could literally feel my energy leaving me as soon as I hit ‘go’ on the breast pump. I instantly felt unwell and exhausted. No one tells you how much breastfeeding/expressing takes out on you.

I am returning to work (physically) at the end of this month, so I needed to prepare for the big return. It’s over a week since I stopped expressing and I am still leaking milk, I didn’t want that embarrassment while sitting in a meeting. I also didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself on my return. I am fully aware that it is already going to be a challenging time for me.

I also was not expressing as much as he was eating. I would sometimes express 110mls, sometimes 60mls. The amount would fluctuate. I felt incredibly pressured to try to keep up with what he was eating. It felt like a vicious circle at times. Granted this was the pressure that I was putting on myself. But it was pressure nonetheless.

I have to admit that it took a lot of gentle encouragement from myself and a close friend to stop expressing. A part of me felt slight guilt as I wanted to know that I was giving Sutton my all. But the truth is, Sutton needs a happy and healthy mommy. And to be there entirely for him, I need to look after myself too.

It’s funny how life changes when you have a baba. I didn’t know how selfish I was before (hey I had every right to be), but now when I walk into a mall, I buy things for Sutton and not me. Now when wanting to go out, we leave according to his waking times (before we just up and left).

Having a baby changes things. Again I will outright say that it changes things in the best way. But everything takes more work, including yourself. Never forget to love yourself. You have to love and care for yourself in order to care for your little human.

“All those cliches, those things you hear about having a baby and motherhood- all of them are true. And all of them are the most beautiful things you will ever experience.” - Penelope Cruz